


What If They Held A Grail War And Nobody Came?

by Sefiru



Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Fix-It, Fluff, Humor, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Multiple Crossovers, Violence, Yami no Game | Shadow Game, comeuppance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-02-17 07:45:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 5,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13072353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sefiru/pseuds/Sefiru
Summary: When Rin Tohsaka accidentally summons a Servant early, the Fifth Grail War starts to go wonderfully wrong. Some crossover elements.





	1. What if Rin Summoned Someone Else?

**Author's Note:**

> This fic consists mostly of crack and Waver/Rider fluff, and should not be taken seriously in the slightest.

The wail of thaumaturgical alarms rang through Waver Velvet’s office, jolting him out of his grading-induced stupor. It was near midnight, and alarms at this hour could only mean that a student had snuck into the alchemy labs to perform an ill-conceived experiment. Before the thought was even complete, Waver sprang from his chair and down the hall, the tails of his scarf fluttering behind him. 

He burst into the lab and automatically scanned for danger – _gas, glass, fire, wire_ – before he registered the details of the scene. One of his younger students, Rin Tohsaka, half conscious on the floor. A ritual circle drawn in front of her. Standing in that circle – 

– Red cloak. Broad shoulders. A bearded face that was burned into his memory, spreading into a grin as its owner saw him. “Waver! It’s been a while, kid, how are you doing!” Rider crossed the room in two strides and caught him in a bear hug.

“Iskandar, my king.” Waver had grown since he’d last seen his liege, but his head still tucked neatly under Iskandar’s chin. He rested his head briefly on the other man’s chest before straightening. “Tohsaka. While this is a pleasant surprise, I would appreciate an explanation.”

The Japanese girl spluttered briefly. “I didn’t mean – that is – I was doing a dry run of the Heaven's Feel summoning, but it wasn’t supposed to do anything! I was only using a dummy catalyst!”

Waver raised an eyebrow. “Let me guess. You took the old t-shirt from the shelf in my office. Possibly the one object in this building which _is_ a valid catalyst.”

While Rin looked thunderstruck, Iskandar roared with laughter. “It must be fated that we meet again, my friend. This girl is your student?”

“She is. Rin Tohsaka, meet Iskandar, the Rider of the Fourth Grail War, and my liege lord.”

“You’re dressing the part, too,” Iskandar added, pointing at Waver’s outfit of red jacket and golden scarf. Rin was still gaping. She was usually sharper than this; the mana drain must be hitting her hard. What was more, Waver could see the command seals scribed on the back of her hand. Right, the lab was no place to deal with this.

“My king, I offer you the hospitality of my home. Tohsaka, you’re coming too.”


	2. If Rin summoned Rider, who summoned Archer?

Shirou stumbled back from the glowing circle, staring at the man who had appeared inside it; the stranger with the impossibly familiar face.

“Well,” said Counter Guardian Emiya. “This is awkward.”

The two stared at each other for another long moment, the elder with his arms folded over his chest, the younger half-sprawled on the ground. Younger Shirou was the next to speak. “If you’re really my future self, what’s my secret ingredient for nikuman?”

“Prunes,” the other answered promptly. “And it’s more like alternate future self, since I never remember this happening in my past. You’re still as pathetic as I used to be, though.”

“Oi!” protested Shirou. “And how do I get you to explain what’s going on?”

The other man glowered at him. “… Let me use your kitchen. No way am I dealing with this without cooking something.”

“At least that hasn’t changed.” Shirou pushed himself upright. “What are you making.”

“Nikuman.”

“I’ll make a salad. You’re right, today has just been too weird.”


	3. Waver/Rider 2

Waver’s house was just outside London, purchased with the income that came with the title of Lord El-Melloi II. As to getting there … he locked up his office and led the way to the Clock Tower’s back gate, where he kept his motorcycle.

It was a massive machine, painted red and gold and totally out of character for a Magus to own. Not that he cared; he already had a reputation for being unconventional. Iskandar’s grin all but split his face in half. “This your mount, kid?”

“A Vassal of Rider has to have a ride.” Waver raised the kickstand and turned the key in the ignition; the engine purred to life. “My colleagues think I’m compensating for something.” The machine was big enough for all three of them, since Rin was so small. She perched on the seat in front of him, while Iskandar settled behind, his hands reaching forward to grasp the handlebars beside Waver’s own. After five minutes he couldn’t say which one of them was steering, as Iskandar’s Rider skill let him adapt quickly to the new mount.

Rin was still unusually quiet; likely she was still exhausted and off-balance, and who could blame her? No doubt she was working up to an epic rant on Waver’s high-handed actions, but he put that out of his mind until they reached his home. For the moment, he was content to think of nothing but the wind in his face, the warmth and solid strength of his King at his back.

“Nice ride,” Iskandar rumbled in his ear.

“You think so?” They turned onto a broader, straighter road, empty at this time of night. Waver opened the throttle; his King’s roar of delight echoed around him.


	4. If Rin summoned Rider, who did Sakura summon?

Whatever Sakura expected from the Heaven’s Feel ritual, it was not what appeared in the summoning circle. A … person … red-haired, in traditional Japanese clothing; man or woman, she couldn’t tell. The costume was masculine, but they were barely taller than Sakura herself; their face was delicate, but scarred. Male, she decided hesitantly.

“Are you this one’s master?” he asked softly.

Sakura nodded. “I am Sakura Matou. What’s your n-name?”

Sparkling blue eyes curved into a smile. “This one is called Himura Kenshin. I have been summoned as Assassin, that I have.”

He didn’t _look_ anything like an assassin, but she supposed a good one wouldn’t. “Please treat me kindly,” she said with a formal bow.

“Likewise,” answered Kenshin. 

That was when Zouken stepped into the workshop. Sakura instinctively cringed away from him, which made Kenshin go still and alert.

“This is your Servant?” Zouken said. “Doesn’t look like much of a Rider to me.”

“It s-seems I have summoned Assassin instead,” Sakura stammered. Zouken’s expression darkened, and he hobbled forward until he was within arm’s length of Sakura, then raised his hand to slap her.

The blow never landed. Between one instant and the next, Kenshin was between them, blocking Zouken’s arm with his sheathed sword. “You will not harm this one’s master, that you will not.” A twist of his wrist shoved Zouken back, then Kenshin gently pulled Sakura in the opposite direction. “Shall this one make you a pot of tea?”

“P-p-p-please.” Sakura was stunned; no one had ever defended her from Zouken before.

“How dare you!” Zouken thundered. “I am her grandfather!”

“You are a poor excuse for one, that you are.” Kenshin deftly steered Sakura out the door, then swung it closed just in time for Zouken’s spell to hit it instead of him.


	5. Waver/Rider 3

Waver woke up to the sensation of being glared at. Last night he’d settled Rin in a guest room and then introduced Iskandar to _Age of Empires_ ; he fell asleep sometime after that, and now he was draped over the couch with one of Iskandar’s arms around him. The Heroic Spirit, not needing sleep, was still playing – or he would be, if Rin wasn’t standing in front of the TV, hands planted on her hips.

Iskandar lifted his other arm. “Want in?”

“Why would I want to do something like that?” Rin turned up her nose, but there was a faint blush on her cheeks. “Never mind! What’s the idea behind dragging me here, and why are you so friendly with my Servant?”

“I believe I mentioned that I am his retainer.”

“More like boy toy!” Rin snapped. Iskandar leered at Waver, who snorted in mock indignation.

“As for bringing you here, I was not about to leave you in a building full of Magi who woulf happily cut off your hand for your Command Seals.”

“If they try, they’ll get more than they bargained for,” Iskandar growled. “Sit down, girl, or stand aside; I’m about to capture Carthage.”

Waver decided he might as well see about breakfast, and then call Kirei Kotomine to ask what the _hell_ was going on with the Grail.


	6. If Shirou summoned Archer, who summoned Saber?

Illyasviel Von Einzbern smirked with satisfaction at the ritual circle before her. In her hand was the catalyst to summon her Servant: braided strands of golden hair, recovered from Fuyuki City ten years ago. Soon, she would have her revenge on her father’s heir with the same Servant her father had used. The irony was delicious.

"... I am the one who becomes all the good of the world of the dead, I am the one who lays out all the evil of the world of the dead.  
You, seven heavens clad in three words of power, arrive from the ring of deterrence, O keeper of the balance!"

Power flared, and a feminine figure appeared in the circle. “Servant Saber asks, are you my Master?”

“Yes!” Illya cheered. “I. Illyasviel Von Einzbern, am your Master in the Fifth Grail War!”

“I see.” A sword appeared in Saber’s hand, its point resting on the ground. Her next words were addressed to it. “Excalibur, this person wishes to become our Master.”

The sword suddenly transformed into a strange, pale, long-nosed creature. “Then I shall inform her of the terms and conditions of our contract,” it said. A tea set appeared on the floor. “Have a cup of tea while you wait.”

“Thank you.” Saber sat down and poured a cup. “I leave it to you.”

“Wha – What is the meaning of this?!” Illya shrieked.

“FOOL!” intoned Excalibur. “Excalibur is a Noble Phantasm unlike other Noble Phantasms, and my wielder is a Heroic Spirit unlike other Heroic Spirits! Our requirements for optimal performance are most exacting. You must provide a supply of premium Earl Grey tea …”

(30 minutes later)

“EX – CALI – BAAA! EX – CALI – BAAA!”

Illya cringed, clamping her hands over her ears. “Did Kiritsugu have to deal with this nonsense?”

“He took notes,” Saber replied, sipping her tea.

“Was there even tea in England when you were alive?!”

“There was not.”

“Then why is tea part of these ‘terms and conditions’?”

“I have no explanation.”

“EX – CALI – BAAAAAA!” The sword-creature ended his musical number with a high bound and a victory pose.

“Enough!” Illya threw up her hands in disgust. “I won’t even waste Command Seals on a useless Servant like you!” She stormed out of the room, leaving Servant and sword behind. Saber didn’t quite smile, but her eyes narrowed slightly.

“What shall we do now?” Excalibur asked her.

“Let’s see how much of Fuyuki is still standing. And perhaps find a curry restaurant.”

“Fool,” Excalibur said affectionately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the Type-Moon Wiki for supplying the correct words for the summoning ritual.


	7. Shirou & Archer 2

“Wow,” Shirou exclaimed, “So future-me became a Heroic Spirit and saved a whole lot of people? Cool!”

Archer rolled his eyes in exasperation. “Are you even listening to me? I’m trying to stop you from turning out like me.”

“What? But you’re a hero! How can wanting to save people ever be a bad thing?”

“Moron!” Archer Traced a bokken and used it to knock Shirou head over heels. “Kill ten to save a hundred! Kill a hundred to save a thousand! That’s the principle I lived by, and Kiritsugu lived by, and you know what? It doesn’t work! Hundreds of lives lost, all for nothing.” 

Shirou stared cross-eyed at the tip of the wooden sword, which was now pointing at his nose. He thought about the joy he had seen on Kiritsugu’s face, the day they met amid the fires of Fuyuki, and how he longed to experience the same. “Um … did you ever …”

“Nope. Not even once. Quantity is not quality, so think about whether saving people in bulk is the best way to get to your _real_ goal.”

“Save one person at a time, huh? … In that case, I’m going to start with you!”

“What.”

“You’ve given up on your dreams and sunk into despair. I’ll save you from that, even at the cost of – ”

“Don’t you _dare_ finish that sentence.” Archer dismissed the bokken and threw up his hands in disgust. “I don’t even know why I bother. Now sit your ass down and eat your nikuman.”


	8. What about Caster?

“This is a terrible idea,” said Kirei Kotomine, as he watched Gilgamesh scribe a ritual circle with the point of a spear.

“Nonsense. Your mortal mind is simply incapable of comprehending my brilliance.”

Close enough; Kotomine had no freaking idea why Gilgamesh had decided to try summoning a Servant of his own, much less Caster of all classes. Nevertheless, he had … borrowed … the catalyst for Medea from a hapless Magus, for the King of Heroes to use.

“Let silver and steel be the essence. Let stone and the archduke of contracts be the foundation …” 

To Kotomine’s surprise, the ritual actually worked, mostly. The Heroic Spirit that appeared before them was not what he expected. Egyptian, not Greek. Male, not female. His hair spiked up in defiance of gravity, black and red, while his eyes were brilliant purple. “Do you know,” he said, “What you have summoned?”

“It matters not,” proclaimed Gilgamesh. “All the world knows the name of Gilgamesh, and everything that exists is mine to rule!”

“Yet the Shadow Realm contains everything that may be, and the very source of my power is in being forgotten.” The Spirit – Caster? – held out a hand. “So tell me, King of Heroes; would you like to play a game?”


	9. Iskandar and two tsunderes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Behold, I have thawed! Now that the Arctic Vortex seems to have passed, I should be posting more regularly.

Rin blinked drowsily at the screen where Iskandar had started up an after-dinner game of Halo. The bearded man gave her a concerned look. “You all right, girl? If you get tired that easily, you’ll have trouble supporting me for more than a week.”

“My _name_ is Rin! And I’ll have you know I was chosen as the Tohsaka heir because of the quality of my magic circuits. Besides, I’m sure Velvet-Sensei would be happy to share mana with you.”

Waver, standing at his king’s side, blushed and looked away. “Well … if it’s necessary.”

Iskandar leered at him. “Oi, are you actually _shy_ about it, kid?”

Waver blushed deeper. “It’s just … it would be my first time.”

“What, really? At your age? Kid, what’s the matter with you?”

“It’s all your fault, you know.” Waver turned his back and crossed his arms over his chest. “You barely laid a finger on me and you still ruined me for all other men.” Silence stretched out behind him; he could almost hear Iskandar’s grin, as well as Rin’s scandalized scowl. “Well? Are you finally going to make an honest man out of me?”

A muscular arm snaked around his waist and pulled him against Iskandar’s broad chest. “You say the sweetest things, Waver,” the king rumbled in his ear.

“Get a room!” squawked Rin somewhere behind them.


	10. Summoning Lancer

Bazett Fraga McRemitz knew as soon as the circle activated that something had gone wrong. She bit back a growl of frustration; she had been working for _years_ to summon Cu Chulainn, and instead she got … 

A school girl. About fourteen years old, wearing a white dress, and looking rather annoyed. A large red jewel hung at her throat. “Just what do you think you’re doing? It’s rude, you know, dragging me away from my training session like this. The Time-Space Administration Bureau is not going to be pleased.”

“Er, sorry about this?” Bazett managed. The mana drain from summoning was making her woozy. That, and sheer disappointment. “Wait, time-space? This was supposed to be a spiritual summoning, not a dimensional one. Let me see my notes.” She picked up the stack of rune-covered papers, the girl reading over her shoulder.

“You’re right, that is supposed to be a spirit summoning. Raising Heart, what do you think?”

“I confirm it, my Master,” said the red jewel. Bazett gave it a sidelong look, but she had seen far stranger things in her magical career.

“Oh, where are my manners? I’m Nanoha Takamichi, mage of the Time-Space Administration Bureau. The data packet from your spell says I’m a …Lancer, is that right?”

“Yes, at least that went right,” Bazett grumbled. “Sorry, sorry. It’s just – damnit.” She threw down her sheaf of notes.

“The spirit you wanted to summon must be really important to you,” said Nanoha. “Could you tell me about them?”

“Yeah, sure.” Bazett scrubbed her face with her hands. “Now I’m feeling bad for dragging you into this. How did someone as nice as you qualify as Lancer?”

Nanoha giggled. “Well, you know, I always like a chance to make new friends.”

Bazett wasn’t sure why that sentence sent a cold chill down her spine.


	11. Gilgamesh's Shadow Game

“A game?” Gilgamesh laughed. “How droll. What sort of game do you propose?”

“It’s quite simple.” The chapel swirled with black and purple shadows, and three huge wolf-like beasts appeared. “We’ll play for your Command Seals. Each of these beasts represents a Seal; we’ll take turns trying to gain control of one of them. I’ll give you a hint: show them what a servant most wants to see in their master. And be careful – if you guess wrong, a Seal could be gone forever.”

Gilgamesh laughed again. “So simple? This game will be easy!”

Kotomine wasn’t so sure. He was glad he was standing outside the shadowed area; something about it made him uneasy.

“Game start,” said Caster. The three beasts bared their fangs and charged at Gilgamesh.

The King of Heroes drew himself up. “Attend me, creature, for I, Gilgamesh, am your rightful – ack!” He had to leap aside as giant jaws snapped closed where his head had been. Apparently, arrogance was not the right answer. Gilgamesh dodged another bite, then accessed the Gate of Babylon and launched a sword through the nearest wolf. The beast staggered, and then faded to nothing – and so did one of the Command Seals on Gilgamesh’s hand.

“What is this?”

“Wrong answer,” said Caster. “No servant wants to be ruled by force. It’s my turn now.” The two remaining beasts turned and stalked toward him, and he faced them calmly. He made no move to defend himself, and even bent his head slightly when one of them engulfed his whole upper body in its maw.

The moment that fangs pierced skin, the creature glowed white and dissolved; a Command Seal appeared on Caster’s hand while one disappeared from Gilgamesh.

“What trickery is this?”

“What a servant most wants from their master, is _trust_. It’s your turn; you have one chance left.”

“Trust? How pointless,” scoffed Gilgamesh. “I saw how you did it – all I need to do is let it bite me.” He lunged to meet the oncoming beast, one arm thrust forward to force it into the creature’s jaws.

It was the arm with his last Command Seal on it.

The animal chomped it off at the elbow.

The King of Heroes fell back with a yell; the beast chewed twice, swallowed, and ssat down, apparently satisfied. “Game over,” announced Caster. The warped shadows receded, but the giant wolf remained. As Caster strolled out the door without a backward glance, the animal trotted after him, as docile as a puppy.

“I told you this was a bad idea,” said Kotomine.


	12. Saber meets Archer

Saber strolled through the streets of Fuyuki City, which had barely changed in the ten years since she had last seen them. Excalibur strutted beside her, concealed by Invisible Air and rambling about the joys of fresh air and sunlight. Their unplanned route eventually led past her former Master’s residence; she was surprised to find it occupied. On impulse, she rang the bell.

The silver-haired man who opened the door was no human. The two Servants stared at each other for a long moment. “Saber,” he greeted her.

“And you are?”

“Archer.” Another silence, and then the corner of his lip quirked up ever so slightly. He turned his head to call into the house, “Shirou, we’ve got guests, put the kettle on.”

“Hai,” a young voice called back.

“Is Kiritsugu here?” Saber asked.

“He’s been dead for five years now. You might as well come in.” This Archer was blunt to the point of rudeness, but that was still preferable to Gilgamesh’s narcissism. Curious, Saber stepped inside.

“Saber, this is Shirou Emiya, Kiritsugu’s adopted son. Shirou, this is Saber, Kiritsugu’s Servant from the Fourth War.” Archer poked Shirou with his foot. “Say something, idiot.”

“Hai, um, is your current Master around?”

Archer sighed and gave him a dope slap; Saber suppressed a smile. She supposed a trade of information would be honourable. “My master is indisposed. She did not take well to meeting my partner.”

Archer raised an eyebrow. “You sicced Excalibur on her first thing? Harsh.”

“You know of Excalibur,” Saber said with surprise. Archer made a face that was half annoyed, half disgusted.

“Excalibur? Like the sword?” Shirou put in.

“Fool! Sword is an inadequate word to encompass the breadth of my talents!” He whacked Archer in the shins with his cane. “Barbarians may fail to appreciate my noble demeanor – ”

“Get away from me, you albino aardvark, or you don’t get any tea.” Archer stormed off to the kitchen.

“This is a noble phantasm?” Shirou asked, bemused.

“Indeed.” Saber gave him a solemn nod. “How did Kiritsugu come to adopt you? I am most curious.”


	13. Waver/Rider 4

“How do you own a private jet?” Rin demanded, standing with her hands on her hips in the main cabin of said jet.

“I am Lord El-Melloi II and I do not fly commercial,” Waver answered her. “Besides, Iskandar wouldn’t fit in a normal airline seat.” The Heroic Spirit had his nose pressed to a window, fascinated by the airport’s activities.

“And this way you won’t have to explain him to Customs,” Rin said. In fact, Iskandar now did have a passport – Macedonian, of course. Waver had called in a few favors to have it made. The jet had other advantages; for one, it had the cargo space to carry his motorcycle and the one which Rin had just purchased. For another …

“Iskandar, once we’re in the air, shall I show you the private cabin? I’ll introduce you to the mile-high club.”

“I didn’t need to hear that!” Rin exclaimed.

“Why, did you want to join in?” asked Iskandar, which made both mages blush.

“I – well – that is – I prefer someone closer to my own age,” Rin huffed.

“Your loss.”


	14. Kenshin vs Shinji

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning on this chapter for Shinji saying/wanting to do creepy, creepy things to Sakura.

Her Servant made very good tea, Sakura thought. There was something reassuring about him, beyond the way he had stood up to her grandfather. She knew that, to qualify as Assassin, he must have killed many people, but it was hard to imagine while watching him poke at the rice cooker he had swiped from the kitchen. “This one can manage a simple supper with this. Is the tea to your liking, Miss Sakura?”

“It is, thank you.” He acted more like a butler than a killer, really. Or like a bodyguard; he seemed determined that Zouken would not so much as look at her. Hence the rice cooker in her room.

A tap on the door interrupted her thoughts. “Oh Saku~ra, I know you’re in~ there.”

Sakura cringed; that was a voice she detested almost as much as Zouken’s. “My c-c-c-cousin Shinji,” she answered Assassin’s questioning look.

The door started to slide open; Kenshin caught it. “My Master is not receiving visitors, that she is not,” he said sweetly and slid it closed again.

“Not for long, Assassin!” Shinji called. “Guess what – Sakura, you’re too useless to be a Master in the Holy Grail War, and Zouken’s picked me to take your place. And once that’s done I’ll give you your dose of vitamin D. Maybe I’ll make him hold you down.”

Shinji laughed, while Sakura whimpered at the reminder.

“…Miss Sakura?”

“The f-family m-m-magic,” she tried to explain. ‘Crest w-worms implanted in my b-b-body … they need … m-m-men’s …”

“ _I see._ ”

“Himura-san, your eyes – ”

Then Shinji barged through the door, leading with a spell, and Assassin drew his sword and cut the spell in half. He moved so fast that all Sakura saw was a blurred arc of afterimage. Was this the power of a Noble Phantasm?

Shinji wasn’t much of a magus, so he didn’t have a second spell ready; he was caught flat-footed by the destruction of the first. In that moment, Kenshin blurred again and struck Shinji square in the groin; he shrieked in soprano. Another blow on the backswing sent him out the door and, by the crash that followed, through the opposite wall.

“This one apologises for the mess, Miss Sakura.” In an instant, Kenshin’s eyes changed from gold to his previous violet.

“It’s all r-right,” Sakura managed.

“Please pack your things, miss Sakura. This one would rather you slept under a bridge than spend another night in this house.”

To be honest, there was not much that Sakura wanted to take. Some clothes, her school things, a few favorite books. “Maybe we c-could impose on Shirou-kun. His house has lots of space, and he’s always been k-kind to me.”

“Let’s start there, then. And as for those crest worms – my Sakabatou can deal with those, that it can.”


	15. Kirei Kotomine picks on little girls

“So, mages here have magic circuits inside their bodies?” asked Nanoha. “Wouldn’t that sharply limit their capacity?”

“Compared to what I’ve seen you do, I suppose so,” Bazett answered. It was a bit galling to run into a magical society that made the Clock Tower look like medieval primitives. Last night, Nanoha had casually cast a transdimensional communication spell with sound and image; when the officer on the other side learned that she was on a parallel Earth, his reaction was, “Another one?”

Bazett wondered if the TSAB was hiring. She was pretty much through with this planet.

Right now, she and Nanoha were sitting on the patio of a small café, eating éclairs, and waiting to meet up with Kirei Kotomine.

“What’s your friend like? Is he nice?”

“He’s more of an acquaintance, really; we’ve never met face to face. Ah, I think that’s him.” No one else in the area would be dressed as a Christian priest.

As soon as he spotted them, a bounded field sprang up to separate the three of them from the rest of the street. Bazett had a bad feeling about this. “Kotomine, what are you up to?”

“I’m very sorry, Miss McRemitz,” he said, not sounding sorry at all. “But I am urgently in need of a Servant, so I’ll be taking your Command Seals from you.”

“That doesn’t sound very friendly,” said Nanoha. Her Device transformed into a staff; Bazett could feel the power gathering in it. “If you need our help that badly, you should ask for it.”

Kotomine sneered. “Why bother? Manners are a game for the weak to play, when they’re not strong enough to take what they want!” He launched a spell at them, which Nanoha blocked.

“Some priest you are,” muttered Bazett. The surprise of Kotomine’s double-cross was fading into anger. Like Hell was she going to let this pillock near a nice girl like Nanoha; Kotomine was about to find out what a bounty hunter was capable of.

Nanoha spoke softly to Raising Heart, and was suddenly dressed in gleaming white. She pointed her Device at the priest. “And what happens when you bother someone stronger than you are?”

“What, are you expecting a knight on a white horse to ride in and rescue you?” As he spoke, more spells erupted from Kotomine;s hands. “You’re naïve, little girl!”

Working together, Bazett and Nanoha deflected the lot. Nanoha snickered and singsonged, “I think you’re forgetting something~!” The end of her Device glowed white-hot. “ _Starlight … Breaker!_ ”

Now, that was a Lancer’s weapon. The beam of energy flung Kotomine against his own barrier, and then he slid bonelessly to the ground. “You see?” said Nanoha. “It’s so much better to be polite to each other.”

“Nanoha, I’m starting to worry about you,” said Bazett.

“Nyehehe, I get that a lot.”

Kotomine passed out and his bounded field collapsed; a moment later, a horse planted its hoof on his torso. Its rider called out, “You ladies all right over there?”

“You totally missed your cue,” Bazett told him.

“Huh?” Both horse and man were impressively muscular, and while he wasn’t in shining armor, his scarlet cloak and gold armbands more than made up for it. Two more people walked up behind him; Bazett recognized the Tohsaka heir and Lord El-Melloi II, who was pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“Iskandar, I can’t take you anywhere.”

The rider – no, Bazett realized, _Rider_ – grinned at him. “That’s not what you said last night.”

“We haven’t even been here an hour,” El-Melloi sighed.

“Rough trip, sir?” asked Bazett. “You’re walking a little funny.”

El-Melloi ignored the question, and poked Kotomine with his foot. “So much for impartiality. What did he think he was doing?”

“He said he was going to appropriate Nanoha here for his own use.”

“That’s indecent!” exclaimed Tohsaka.

“Not like that; I’m Lancer,” Nanoha said, twirling Raising Heart in her hand.

“Still,” said El-Melloi. “The more I hear about the current Grail war, the more questions I want answered.”

“I’m over it,” Bazett grumbled. “I’d rather take Nanoha on a road trip or something.”


	16. And Berserker Makes Seven

“Hey, Yami, what’s the sitch?”

“I’m sorry to drag you away from your rest. I could use your help.”

“If it’s ass-kickage you need, you can count on me. Why do I have to be a Berserker, though?”

“It was the only spot left, and I wanted to put someone reliable in it. You can’t say it doesn’t suit you.”

Berserker rolled her eyes; she was a young woman who looked at first glance like a cheerleader. In her hand she twirled a short stick of wood, which was sharpened to a point at one end. “So what kind of apocalypse did you call in my marker for?”

(A few minutes later)

“So, let me get this straight: a bunch of wizards built themselves a wish-granting dingus, then it got possessed by the ultimate evil and turned into a giant monkey’s paw.”

“Pretty much.”

“Awesome, where’s my sledgehammer?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the full roster of the 5th Grail War stands at:
> 
> Rider -- Iskandar -- Rin Tohsaka  
> Archer -- EMIYA -- Shirou Emiya  
> Assassin -- Kenshin Himura -- Sakura Matoh  
> Saber -- Arturia (and EX-CALI-BAA!) -- Illyasviel Von Einzbern  
> Caster -- Yami Yugi -- Gilgamesh (briefly)  
> Lancer -- Nanoha Takamichi -- Bazett Fraga McRemitz  
> Berserker -- Buffy Summers -- Yami Yugi
> 
> This is as far as my muse has taken me, so the rest I leave to your imagination ... for now.


End file.
